Challenging behaviour
When children act out or have meltdowns, parents, educators, caregivers, know that it is a challenging time, both for themselves and for the child. How we respond though, is crucial. There are many reasons why we as adults may have the urge to reprimand them straight away, stop that behaviour by shutting them down, or even have a meltdown in response (believe it or not, I have heard many cases like this). The child can be quite oblivious in the midst of their own egocentric behaviour to the stresses of adult life, (and so they should be to a large degree). This can make the situation even more tense. For the child, it could be anything that has been brewing for the last few days or months, or something in the moment. It’s usually not the visible point of meltdown, (that is often the last straw). Transitions, hunger, study stress, friends or family stress, mismanaged expectations of time, people, places or experiences can all have an effect on that child and show up in a completely different guise. It is just a case of using our innate detective skills to find out.
But, what calm adults do differently to super stressed ones can also make all the difference in how that child will react to the same scenario later on down the line.
A calm adult will practice modelling reasonable calm behaviour back to the child in response. They will observe some non negotiables for themselves to that child before getting back to a level playing field.
Listen
listening is hard in times of stress, but it is imperative that the child knows that we care and that we acknowledge their feelings first and foremost, regardless of their behaviour. Children often don’t always have the capacity to express themselves fully (especially when young) when things have triggered them. We, as adults can help them to do that by that listening to them.
Respond
When adults respond with enquiry, intention, calmness and restraint, we model behaviour that they can adapt for themselves both in the moment and for the future. Empathy demonstrates to the child that they matter and they have the security and certainty that we are there for them, even if we cannot mend or fix a situation. This way they even learn that in life, not everything can be fixed either.
Space and time
We can give them space and time to reflect and tell them that “we will talk about this calmly once they feel better and are able to discuss it calmly with them”. They need to know that we will be there for them when they are ready.
Boundaries
Boundaries are important for children to understand that their behaviour is just that and that THEY are not their behaviour. By separating the child from the behaviour, it eliminates the feelings of blame and self sabotage for the child which may come afterwards. Or, adults often feel like they are the targets for the child’s bad behaviour, but in reality, they are merely expressing their feelings the only way they know how in that moment. This is why it becomes the adult’s role, by using calm succinct language, to remind themselves (internally) and the child that their meltdown is just a response to something that has upset them.
When adults are calm, children learn new ways of being and behaving through the modelling that they observe from us. Only after the child has also calmed down, should any work on repair, reflection, teaching and practice begin.
